You may recall me writing a blog post on June 7th where I said that I have faith that one day I’ll meet someone who makes my soul come alive and vice versa. Long before that I had reached a point in my life where I enjoyed my own company and did not feel compelled to seek happiness from anyone else; I found all of that within and I felt happy and inspired, and felt like there was nothing else I could possibly need. But on June 7th I finally felt all of those feelings and realizations truly manifest themselves; instead of telling myself that I finally accepted everything that happened, I finally did and for the first time I promised myself that I would stop looking for someone, because I felt no need to and besides, people always told me that the moment you stop looking is when someone truly wonderful finds you.
Only a few hours later I met a guy who would end up changing my entire world: a guy named Luke who joined us for darts with his friend Dan. It was his birthday, but that’s not why his name stuck. He was extremely attractive too, but that’s not why his name stuck either; in some strange way I just felt pulled toward him. I instantly wondered who this guy was every time I saw him and felt compelled to talk to him and get him involved in the activities we put on. Now I kind of laugh at myself for being so silly, lol, but when my colleagues noticed they began to ask when I’d write to him and try to see him outside of work. In my mind I thought, “What’s the point? I feel really drawn to this guy, but in a week he will be gone and I’ll probably never see him again,” but then it hit me: “Wait, he has a whole week left,” so I went against my nature and wrote to him one evening and thought to myself, honestly what’s the worst that could happen? Oh yeah, he could totally think I’m totally crazy for reaching out because I’m an entertainer at the hotel, but the exact opposite ended up happening. Life is freaking crazy haha…
Over the course of the next few days I found out how much we actually had in common – way more than I could’ve possibly imagined and I could relate to him in so many ways; I had never experienced that before – the feeling you get when you can connect with someone right away and feel like you’ve known them for years – that feeling was so foreign to me but is one of the most amazing things in the universe. I loved every second, but I knew he would be leaving soon, and I remember feeling sad the last day and I asked myself, “What’s wrong with me? I’ve literally only known this guy for a week,” but some things cannot be explained and simply remain a mystery… But even though I felt hazy, one thing that I remember clear as day is my reaction to what I was feeling – I felt so alive and I remember thinking: Why is it that for so long I haven’t felt anything; when I left 17 years of my life behind in the US I didn’t feel sad and when I left Sweden behind a couple months back (at that point) I didn’t feel sad, but now that this guy is about to leave I feel like a huge hole has been ripped through me – what’s up with that? I spent so many years shutting out and refusing to acknowledge emotions, but somehow all of them are rushing back to me at the same time and I am actually letting it happen – what’s happening?
And I think the answer is that that’s what happens when you start actually letting yourself fall for someone and you feel so vulnerable and so afraid, but you let it happen anyway, because your feelings for them are stronger than your fear of losing everything…
So then the end of my work day on his last night arrived and I kept thinking, “Don’t get too close, don’t get too close, he’s leaving in the morning and you may never see him again,” and with a heavy heart I approached the table where he, Dan and a girl they met were sitting and thought to myself that I’m going to enjoy the evening as much as possible regardless, because YOLO, except I didn’t say that last part, because I’m fierce and yeah :’). So we all went to go get pizza at Valentino’s and as we walked there, I thought to myself, “That girl is so beautiful,” because you know, girls are stupid like that sometimes, but then immediately after that Luke put his arm around me and kissed me on the head and I felt like the happiest person on earth and I thought to myself that no matter what happens, this moment will make it worth it, even if this is one of the only moments, it’ll be a moment I’ll hold on to for the rest of my life… And after that we all parted ways and Luke and I wandered on to the beach, the widespread sun loungers empty and the gentle sound of the waves being all we could hear… And we laid down on a sun lounger, my head against his chest and looked up at the stars… And me being the science fanatic I am I began to name off various constellations and star clusters and I didn’t realize at the time that it just went over his head, but to this day he reminds me that even though it does he loves hearing me talk about it because it makes me smile and that in turn makes him smile ❤ This is what I’m talking about hahaha ❤
And I still remember how my heart stopped when he came back to mine and said that he really likes me and when we sat on the balcony overlooking the ocean and he said that he is going to do everything in his power to come back before I leave in November, and I sat there in a state of shock thinking, “That must be too good to be true…”
And I remember how the next morning we woke up before the sun had risen and he slid the bracelet he bought me at the hippy market over my wrist, shortly followed by one of his own beaded bracelets and I felt the tears well up, but thought to myself, “Don’t be ridiculous, Bethany,” but in that moment I truly realized how much he already meant to me… And I swore to keep that bracelet on until the day he came back and every day when I looked down on it I felt a bittersweet smile form on my face knowing that I was wearing the bracelet he wore so many times – in a strange way it felt like he was still with me and it somehow made me feel like he was coming back no matter what, so I kept wearing it in hopes that one day he really would and… He did.
For 2 months we talked and I counted down the days, and whenever I had a tough day at work I’d try to pretend I traveled into the future and I’d envision him being there and it put a smile on my face every time.. For 2 months straight he made me smile all the way from England, even when I didn’t have my phone on me. Time flew by, but the last two days before his arrival were some of the slowest of my life. Let’s not even get started on the last 5 minutes; Dan’s grandmother was visiting and stood next to me with one of the reps and laughed at how anxious I was, haha, I didn’t quite know what to do. I swear those last minutes felt longer than most of my life, but as soon as he arrived and I jumped out from behind the massive flower pot that served as my hiding place I felt like everything was right with the world again, even though nothing was ever really wrong… You know the feeling when you suddenly feel at home as soon as you’re in someone’s presence? I was a foreign feeling to me; I’ve always felt alone in relationships and outside of relationships I have never really known where “home” is, but suddenly for the first time in my life I felt like I had come home. I thought to myself that I didn’t change surroundings, so what’s going on? But it’s him and I’m convinced that I would feel at home anywhere as long as he’s there.
For the next week I got to fall asleep next to him and wake up and pull him closer to me and I can’t remember ever feeling that complete in my life, and I tell myself that over the past couple of years I thought I was complete; I felt happy, ecstatic to be alive, and completely in love with the world, but something about this guy makes the world burst into brand new colors and I have a powerful desire to share every single thing I love with him and show him exactly why I love the world so much. Likewise I feel this urge to take him down every street I roamed when I was younger, and show him everything that has ever bore any sort of meaning or significance in my life. For a while I tried to comprehend why I feel that way when I normally don’t care as long as I personally understand why something is so significant to me, but I realized that the mile thick impenetrable walls that I normally build around myself are slowly falling apart, block by block, because if it means giving him a chance to get to know me possibly better than anyone else does, then it’s worth the risk to me. That’s a crazy statement coming from someone who refuses to ever be vulnerable and prefers to forever remain mysterious and unknown to most everyone. It’s been really challenging for me sometimes, because one second I feel okay with being vulnerable and the next second I feel terrified and have the urge to back away as a result, but there’s something about this guy that made me think, “Okay, out of all of the people in this world this is the guy I want to give a chance I normally wouldn’t give anyone,” and it’s one of the most amazing things in the world ❤
The next week consisted of trips to the beach, running away from jellyfish (xD Like seriously, come on Ibiza, we wanted to freaking swim and you know, stuff you normally do at the beach), ice cream, a paint party at the biggest club in the world, eating pizza on the beach while watching the sunset <3, a freaking awesome carnival ride, amazing Chinese food, strawberry juice, more food (hahaha), biking across a smaller island off the coast of Ibiza, and laying in bed listening to all of his favorite music… And a week of witnessing the little things he does that I love – from the noises he makes when he moves around in bed to his random singing to the way he says “Hey” and “I’ll have you know” to him claiming that he is fierce like a dragon (haha I have to remember that one for the rest of my life) to his random body language like biting his fist to taking random selfies when he’s had a bit to drink hahaha, to his smile that lights up an entire room and is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen to the way he would kiss my head to his calm breaths while sleeping that would instantly put a massive smile on my face to the way he’d pull me closer to him in the mornings when neither of us wanted to get out of bed… Have you ever looked at someone and they do something and you suddenly think, “I don’t know what it is, but I just love you“? I’ve thought that so many times and I am so glad I can say that now, because there were a few times when I really wanted to say it, but wasn’t sure if I should.
And even more can be said now that I have little things he does online and on the phone to add to the list, like his random guitar playing while on the phone that makes me smile because guitar playing = hot and he one of the best guitar players I’ve ever known… To him wanting to get to know me so much that he actually read my blogs and scrolled through my Instagram and asks me questions… To him being able to hold a conversation (one of my absolute favorite things) to his intelligence and strategic mind (not many people can hold my interest or challenge me like this guy can lmao), to him encouraging me to sing and make music with him to him writing me random messages in the middle of the night telling me how much I mean to him (the best thing in the world) ❤ I’m seriously sitting here smiling bigger than I thought I ever could just thinking about all of that, because being able to witness the things he does – every single thing alone makes me feel like the luckiest person alive – and all of it combined… Don’t even get me started. I’m having a serious fan girl moment here, but really… I’m so lucky… He has been so understanding and so encouraging, and so incredible in every way possible – in ways I didn’t even know were possible. He’s made me laugh so much, and feel things I didn’t think possible, feelings I didn’t think existed, feelings that I thought only existed in my dreams. I’ve experienced so much uncertainty and heartbreak and I began to believe that that was just a given, but he’s proven me wrong… I thought I was complete; I thought there wasn’t a missing puzzle piece as I felt okay with being on my own, but then he came out of nowhere and showed me why it never worked with anyone else and let me know that I can count on him and that I don’t have to be strong on my own anymore (one of the things he said that will always stick with me). The world works in mysterious ways, but the tiny coincidences that eventually brought me all the way here… I know it was so that I could meet him; I feel like he was meant to be in my life all along, but it just took a while, but now that I know he exists I never want to let him go…
And the morning he left the second time he put the two bracelets he gave me back on, and then slipped two more on and said, “This black one here, I’m not giving it to you; I’m letting you borrow it, and when you’re done here I’m going to reclaim it,” and let me tell you, I’m definitely still wearing them, waiting for that day ❤